PrintThe new Transformers movie is two-and-a-half hours long. I'm going to write that sentence again, if I may, because it is a reality I find only slightly less confounding than I would the arrival on this planet of actual alien robots inclined to disguise themselves as backhoes and eighteen-wheelers: The new Transformers movie is two-and-a-half hours long.
Who imagined that this would be a good idea? Director Michael Bay's enthusiasm for his sequel, the full title of which is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, is perhaps comprehensible. But what could have gone through the mind of the studio executive who greenlit this epic inquiry into a set of Hasbro toys? And is there some way we could ensure that said exec was forced to watch the film in its entirety, oh perhaps three times, with all the hindsight regrets and missed birthdays that might entail?
It is true that those with the stamina to sit through the mechanized marathon will be treated to sights never before committed to celluloid: a diabolical “decepticon” (that is, bad robot) armed with rotary nose trimmers; another that functions as a gargantuan, extraterrestrial Dustbuster; and a third, the size and disposition of a Chihuahua, which enthusiastically humps the leg of costar Megan Fox. And don’t get me started on the pair of jive-talking minstrel-show robots--one sporting a gold tooth!--that had me searching the credits for signs that George Lucas might’ve been employed as a sensitivity consultant.
The movie opens with an extended monologue by chief autobot (that is, good robot) Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen, heretofore best known as the voice of Eeyore in countless Pooh cartoons): “Earth, birthplace of the human race. A species much like our own, capable of great compassion and great violence. … Our worlds have met before.” As giant robots stomp cavemen, onscreen text advertises that the year is 17,000 BC. The good news is that the next 19,000-plus years go by quickly, with Optimus even filling us in on what’s happened in the interim since the last Transformers movie. (Pretty much what you’d expect: Noble autobots and scrappy U.S. soldiers have allied to fight sneaky decepticons.) Had the movie proceeded at this pace and level of omniscient narration, it might've resembled a loud, but quick-moving, book-on-tape.
Instead, we are painstakingly reintroduced to teen autobot-buddy Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf), now preparing to go away to college. We watch as a metal shard left in his clothes during the last movie brings his parents' kitchen appliances to life--Gremlins, by way of Williams-Sonoma. We see him explain to Bumblebee, his heartbroken Camaro/companion, that he can't bring him to school because freshmen aren't allowed to have cars. We travel with him to campus, where his mom (Julie White) accidentally eats a hash brownie, and tackles some kids playing Frisbee, and--where was I? Only 20 minutes in? Please, God, say it isn’t so.
Bad robots come looking for the shard, and for another shard the U.S. military did a risibly poor job of securing, and then for some alien codes that the first shard implanted in Sam's mind--codes which, among other effects, cause him to misbehave in an astronomy class taught by Dwight from "The Office." Sam also learns the invaluable lesson that when a supermodel-level hottie starts stalking you on your first day of freshman year ("So how about tonight you pretend I’m your girlfriend"), there's sure to be lethal circuitry hidden under her micro-mini. If it sounds as though the script (credited to Ehren Kruger, Robert Orci, and Alex Kurtzman) was written in serial-novel form during an all-night mescaline bender, well, I have no evidence that it was not. And I haven't even gotten to the bits where "the Matrix of Leadership," "the Tomb of the Primes," and "the Dagger's Tip" are introduced.
Nor will I, in the interests of brevity and compassion. Instead, I'll merely catalogue a few of the film's more memorable moments. There is the scene in which uber-decepticon Megatron (Hugo Weaving), preparing to kill Sam, asks Optimus, "Is the future of our race not worth a single human life?" and Optimus replies, "You’ll never stop at one"--which, if you're Sam, really can't be the response you were looking for. There's the prolonged, profoundly gratuitous sinking of an American aircraft carrier, which I can only assume Bay included in the film to punish the nation for declining to make his Pearl Harbor a bigger hit. And there is, of course, Megan Fox, purportedly returning as Sam's love interest, Mikaela, but in reality serving as a compensatory special effect for those boys old enough to have begun tiring of giant robots. Our first glimpse of Mikaela finds her hunched over a motorcycle, wearing the shortest shorts I believe I've seen since Catherine Bach tormented the Duke boys. I need scarcely note that this introductory shot approaches from the tailpipe.
The movie climaxes with a battle in the Egyptian desert that is equal parts unseemly and interminable. Predator drones skim the dunes, helicopters fall from the sky, tanks are illuminated by exploding shells, and valiant Americans see their blood spilled on the sand: Take out the digitized colossi, and one could almost be gazing at CNN footage from this young, fraught century. Perhaps it’s just me, but this is exactly the reality that I would like my escapist entertainments to escape.
But on it goes, and on, and on, until the audience has been beaten down as comprehensively as the decepticons. The going gets so rough that at one point John Turturro (reprising his role as Agent Simmons) seems to appoint himself a kind of in-film ombudsman, begging one of the robots for a little narrative clarity: "Beginning, middle, end," he pleads. "Details. Plot. Compress. Tell it." If only.
Christopher Orr is a senior editor of The New Republic.
COMMENTS (16)
Chris, please. "Autobot" and "Decepticon" are proper nouns. A little respect for the uber-violent cartoon robots of my youth, please.
Chris, please. "Autobot" and "Decepticon" are proper nouns. A little respect for the uber-violent cartoon robots of my youth, please.
The movie can't possibly as entertaining as this review. Hilarious.
The movie can't possibly as entertaining as this review. Hilarious.
Adaglas already beat me to the punch on proper noun status for the two groups of robots. So I'll just say Chris, you bastard, your line "...which, if you're Sam, really can't be the response you were looking for," caused me to spray my lunch all over my keyboard and nearly die of a choking fit.
Adaglas already beat me to the punch on proper noun status for the two groups of robots. So I'll just say Chris, you bastard, your line "...which, if you're Sam, really can't be the response you were looking for," caused me to spray my lunch all over my keyboard and nearly die of a choking fit.
Orr,
Either you're a geezer from the baby-boomer generation or you're a pathetic traitor to the generation X that follows it. Trying to analyze a Transformers movie with words like "profound, gratuitous, purportedly" is pretentious to the 10th degree. This ain't no art-house film and I'll thank you not to treat it as such. If I wanted to see a poor third-world kid struggling to dig a cup of water from a global-warming dried well, I'd go to the Sundance festival where douchebags in berets and capes walk around with their noses in the air, thinking they're more cultured than everyone else.
Orr,
Either you're a geezer from the baby-boomer generation or you're a pathetic traitor to the generation X that follows it. Trying to analyze a Transformers movie with words like "profound, gratuitous, purportedly" is pretentious to the 10th degree. This ain't no art-house film and I'll thank you not to treat it as such. If I wanted to see a poor third-world kid struggling to dig a cup of water from a global-warming dried well, I'd go to the Sundance festival where douchebags in berets and capes walk around with their noses in the air, thinking they're more cultured than everyone else.
Its a fun roller coaster type movie thats made to, and is enjoyed like one, unless you are over 45, played with barbies as a kid, or still think about the good ol days when action movies consisted of the guys running by the same rock 15 times in a chase scene, the guy who reviewed this....I'm guessing he played with barbies.
Its a fun roller coaster type movie thats made to, and is enjoyed like one, unless you are over 45, played with barbies as a kid, or still think about the good ol days when action movies consisted of the guys running by the same rock 15 times in a chase scene, the guy who reviewed this....I'm guessing he played with barbies.
If a pregnant woman saw this movie she would certainly miscarry. There is no hope in bringing a child in to a world populated by anyone, who without the benefits of neurosyphilis, could be entertained by this film. Waterworld was Shakespearean in comparison.
On a positive note, Rainn Wilson's spiel was enough to distract me from the horrific plot for thirty blissful seconds
Despite Dwight, humping sandpaper for two and a half hours would have yielded more pleasure than this movie did...even if I had to pay for the sandpaper.
If a pregnant woman saw this movie she would certainly miscarry. There is no hope in bringing a child in to a world populated by anyone, who without the benefits of neurosyphilis, could be entertained by this film. Waterworld was Shakespearean in comparison.
On a positive note, Rainn Wilson's spiel was enough to distract me from the horrific plot for thirty blissful seconds
Despite Dwight, humping sandpaper for two and a half hours would have yielded more pleasure than this movie did...even if I had to pay for the sandpaper.
This review trumps the movie in self-indulgent excess. No technical critique on cinematography, special effects, directing style. Just a bloated tirade of bashing.
Those self-important nobodies who call themselves "critics" need a dose of common sense to bite them in their behinds! If we had to pull apart every single loose plot thread of every single story and bury our suspension of disbelief with it, then 99% of movies out there would be unwatchable. Shakespeare is guilty of sloppy/convenient plot devices, and he's hailed as one of the greatest playwrights in history!
And to top it all off: It's based on an 80's KID's TV show!! What? You want it to have some deep philosophical meaning ... view full comment
This review trumps the movie in self-indulgent excess. No technical critique on cinematography, special effects, directing style. Just a bloated tirade of bashing.
Those self-important nobodies who call themselves "critics" need a dose of common sense to bite them in their behinds! If we had to pull apart every single loose plot thread of every single story and bury our suspension of disbelief with it, then 99% of movies out there would be unwatchable. Shakespeare is guilty of sloppy/convenient plot devices, and he's hailed as one of the greatest playwrights in history!
And to top it all off: It's based on an 80's KID's TV show!! What? You want it to have some deep philosophical meaning or to win a Nobel Peace Prize??
How about some real critique such as: "The action scenes were decent but the pace so frantic that it made it difficult for audiences to really appreciate how amazingly intricate the CG characters were."
Sure, this movie has its share of faults: shallow characterization, plot holes, over-indulgent action sequences. But did it accomplish its mission? A resounding YES! In reality, this movie should have gotten a 70%, but since no other critic bases their rating on anything worth a poop, I've decided to go the other end of the spectrum!
Critique a movie based on its target demographic (intended audience). Don't make believe that the target demographic is always exclusively YOU.
so adaglas, by youth you mean last week, right?
I gotta admit, watching a movie about a trio of screenwriters on a mescaline binge doing an all nighter to finish this script actually sounds like it would be a bizarrely entertaining. hunter thomspon meets george lucas.
so adaglas, by youth you mean last week, right?
I gotta admit, watching a movie about a trio of screenwriters on a mescaline binge doing an all nighter to finish this script actually sounds like it would be a bizarrely entertaining. hunter thomspon meets george lucas.
I think itis bad Karma to wish bad things on morally ambiguous people. (Such as a film Director who profits despite having utter contempt for his audience) That being said I only wish Michael BAy would take his gigantic pile of money and go live a pleasnt life doing somthing else.
I think itis bad Karma to wish bad things on morally ambiguous people. (Such as a film Director who profits despite having utter contempt for his audience) That being said I only wish Michael BAy would take his gigantic pile of money and go live a pleasnt life doing somthing else.
Chris, this review is spot on. I'm a huge Transformers fan from youth, saw the film at midnight opening night and desperately hope that Transformers 3 begins with Sam waking up in bed saying "Whoa, that was a really weird dream". In addition to being too long and very offensive to the general moviegoer, I think for Transformers fans this movie is surreal and wacky and significantly devalues the prior film (which wasn't perfect of course, but did about as well as possible with the concept of bringing an alien race of shape shifting robots to Earth). Really I'm not sure the franchise can continue from here without a total reboot.
Chris, this review is spot on. I'm a huge Transformers fan from youth, saw the film at midnight opening night and desperately hope that Transformers 3 begins with Sam waking up in bed saying "Whoa, that was a really weird dream". In addition to being too long and very offensive to the general moviegoer, I think for Transformers fans this movie is surreal and wacky and significantly devalues the prior film (which wasn't perfect of course, but did about as well as possible with the concept of bringing an alien race of shape shifting robots to Earth). Really I'm not sure the franchise can continue from here without a total reboot.
This Gen-X'r is more than willing to check his brain at the entrance of the theater...but only for 90 minutes. Then I begin to wonder...was that college Decepticon really enrolled in classes? How did she know Sam was there? How did the ol' Autobot know the location of the final battle when all he knew beforehand was a riddle? Why are Primes special, again? Why is the safest place in a Transformer battle underneath said Transformers?
See, enough of these questions pile up and then I'm taken out of the fiction. At least the film was pretty.
This Gen-X'r is more than willing to check his brain at the entrance of the theater...but only for 90 minutes. Then I begin to wonder...was that college Decepticon really enrolled in classes? How did she know Sam was there? How did the ol' Autobot know the location of the final battle when all he knew beforehand was a riddle? Why are Primes special, again? Why is the safest place in a Transformer battle underneath said Transformers?
See, enough of these questions pile up and then I'm taken out of the fiction. At least the film was pretty.
I had a bad feeling about this film having given the first 3 out of 5 stars... This one barely deserves 2. It's funny how so many idiots out there think 2 and a half hours of good special effects and lots of action automaticly makes a movie good. The story was really just dumb, and it was very poorly executed. I really was feeling sick towards the end, and not like the good kind of sick one might feel on a roller coaster ride. I'm thinking more along the lines of little Alex as he undergoes the Ludovigo treatment...
I had a bad feeling about this film having given the first 3 out of 5 stars... This one barely deserves 2. It's funny how so many idiots out there think 2 and a half hours of good special effects and lots of action automaticly makes a movie good. The story was really just dumb, and it was very poorly executed. I really was feeling sick towards the end, and not like the good kind of sick one might feel on a roller coaster ride. I'm thinking more along the lines of little Alex as he undergoes the Ludovigo treatment...
"Its a fun roller coaster type movie"
No, it's not. It's a roller-coaster-that-gets-hung-up-for-long-intervals-then-drags-along-then-stops-again-then-goes-in-a-straight-level-line-for-a-while-then-repeats-previous-sequence-type movie.
Waiting for giant robots to fight each other in badly-shot, confusing action sequences is boring. Watching those sequences is boring. Waiting for Megan Fox to fall out of her blouse is mildly titillating, so to speak, but foreclosed by the PG-13 rating, so kinda boring ultimately.
"Its a fun roller coaster type movie"
No, it's not. It's a roller-coaster-that-gets-hung-up-for-long-intervals-then-drags-along-then-stops-again-then-goes-in-a-straight-level-line-for-a-while-then-repeats-previous-sequence-type movie.
Waiting for giant robots to fight each other in badly-shot, confusing action sequences is boring. Watching those sequences is boring. Waiting for Megan Fox to fall out of her blouse is mildly titillating, so to speak, but foreclosed by the PG-13 rating, so kinda boring ultimately.
This movie was terrible. It takes the light humor of shia lebouf from the first and tries to shove it down your throat forcefeeding it to you from all actors and cgi robots at all times. then when there are fights you realize that michael bay knows how to pay people to make overly detailed transformers that barely resemble their cartoon counterparts, but he can't stage a cool battle scene for his life. watch advent children then watch this pile of garbage. i saw this tripping with a friend and we noticed halfway through that the walls of the theatre were moving, but when we looked at the screen we felt soulless. we left with about an hour left after *SPOILER ALERT WORTH READING TO NOT WASTE ... view full comment
This movie was terrible. It takes the light humor of shia lebouf from the first and tries to shove it down your throat forcefeeding it to you from all actors and cgi robots at all times. then when there are fights you realize that michael bay knows how to pay people to make overly detailed transformers that barely resemble their cartoon counterparts, but he can't stage a cool battle scene for his life. watch advent children then watch this pile of garbage. i saw this tripping with a friend and we noticed halfway through that the walls of the theatre were moving, but when we looked at the screen we felt soulless. we left with about an hour left after *SPOILER ALERT WORTH READING TO NOT WASTE MONEY* they find Skyfire and he has a british accent and uses a cane and is all old and millions of cgi dollars are wasted on him appearing to be a senior citizen in a further attempt to make stupid fat americans laugh (bay's only goal besides ruining the lives of transformers fans). oh yeah a robot gets beat up by megan fox then becomes her chihuahua and humps her leg, there are 2 new autobots that are so entirely racist and offensive i hope michael bay gets sued by the naacp, aaand a girl at sam's college is actually a decepticon with a really long metal tongue with her "human" tongue still on the end. worst movie since ultraviolet.
I saw the first transformer movie and was surprised by how lame & weak it was. I was looking for a good, fun, mindless summer blockbuster and it fell short. Apparantly things have not improved with this franchise since..
Anyway, the review was brillant. Many thanks to Chris for making me laugh
I saw the first transformer movie and was surprised by how lame & weak it was. I was looking for a good, fun, mindless summer blockbuster and it fell short. Apparantly things have not improved with this franchise since..
Anyway, the review was brillant. Many thanks to Chris for making me laugh
Oh yeah and another thing, your review of UP! sucked @ss Orr. You and every single film critic out there proclaimed it the most incredible movie since the dawn of time. It sucked worse than Wall-E. Before seeing it, I read a negative review in the Weekly Standard where the critic proclaimed that PIXAR had now been promoted to the echelon of cultural icons that are not to be disparaged. I thought he was just an old coot, mad at the world. He was spot on.
What is it about high-fallutin' critics from liberal elitist magazines that make their reviews so predictable? Poor afghani kid gets house blowed up by a US jet? Oscar baby! Bruce Willis or metallic robots that kill bad guys? Well I never ... view full comment
Oh yeah and another thing, your review of UP! sucked @ss Orr. You and every single film critic out there proclaimed it the most incredible movie since the dawn of time. It sucked worse than Wall-E. Before seeing it, I read a negative review in the Weekly Standard where the critic proclaimed that PIXAR had now been promoted to the echelon of cultural icons that are not to be disparaged. I thought he was just an old coot, mad at the world. He was spot on.
What is it about high-fallutin' critics from liberal elitist magazines that make their reviews so predictable? Poor afghani kid gets house blowed up by a US jet? Oscar baby! Bruce Willis or metallic robots that kill bad guys? Well I never!